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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24270787">In Real Life Never Punch Nerds</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/averynaleysia/pseuds/averynaleysia'>averynaleysia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Deadpool - All Media Types, Friends (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), Sherlock (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Big Bang Theory (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Crossover, Everyone Is Alive, Gen, Johnlock - Freeform, Multiverse, Pirate Sherlock, Teambuilding, Teamwork, Wade Wilson is a Good Bro, everyonehates, fandomcrossover, goodtimes, is canon, raftbuilding, sarcastic chandler, sheldon - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:22:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,360</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24270787</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/averynaleysia/pseuds/averynaleysia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Higher forces want to form an avengers-like team. Chandler Bing is the group instructor. The task is to build a functioning raft and sail somewhere. Sherlock has always wanted to be a pirate. Jack Sparrow shares his rum. Everyone kinda hates Sheldon. Tony has the only braincell. Nobody invited Deadpool, he came anyway. Peter Quill is simply responsible for a good sound-track. Boundless chaos. Nobody dies. The rum is not gone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>In Real Life Never Punch Nerds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey ho, some of you may know me from IG. I´m the gay pirate with the Johnlock meme page.<br/>I was inspired by a post with these legendary characters and the caption: "Imagine them getting into a fight." And I started to imagine. This is for everyone who needs a laugh, enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Okay!” Chandler shouted while clapping his hands over his head to get everyone´s attention. “Come over here everyone!”</p><p>Forming a line just in front of him the group slowly settled. On the very right stood, still swaying slightly and his arms posing in this very typical way, Jack Sparrow. With his hat sitting on his dreadlocks and unreal perfect smoky eyes he promised to serve the position “Captain” ideally. At least, that´s what Chandler thought.</p><p>“I still haven´t got the slightest idea why they choose me, to lead you through this adventurous journey of build a raft. But here we are.” Chandler, with his ever sarcastic way, who was wearing a checkered slightly oversized shirt tucked into his jeans, used the fingers of his right hand to stress the word “slightest”.</p><p>Tony already made a slightly bored impression, as if he meant to say “I could build you motherfuckers a multifunctional hover board in my lab in the matter of hours, but let the games begin!” </p><p>Sheldon Cooper, second from the left, seemed at the same time arrogant and intimidated if that is even to accomplish. He wore a dark blue long sleeved shirt under a short sleeved shirt declaring the theorem of floating objects, the buoyancy force. Sherlock who accidently came to stand next to Sheldon offered a strong body language of tending away from the latter. That resulted in a confused Deadpool, all suited up, wondering why the detective was inches away from jumping into his arms. </p><p>“Already up for some bonding I see, Sherlock.”, Wade raised one eyebrow and put an arm around the detective´s shoulders.</p><p>“So, as you can see, here is wood, there are screws, go.” , Chandler explained with a why-are-you-still-standing-here gesture. Apparently team-building exercises did not include instructions. Everyone started moving towards the pile of material on their left. Only Sheldon exclaimed “He-, HEY! We are going to need to form pairs, evaluate and assign tasks…”</p><p>“You don´t really think you can from functioning pairs from THESE boys.” Chander mumbled with sarcasm. Just five minutes later he already proved himself wrong as he started sipping rum with Mr. Sparrow who examined his crew with a proud look on his face.<br/>
“As much as I enjoy your company… Don´t you think you should help them, Jack?”<br/>
“I am a captain, Mr. Chandler. There is no ship yet, so how is there any work for me? But you know what IS there? Rum.”, He answered his own question and smiled at his companion.</p><p>“I claim formal objection!” Sheldon was in rage, as a chaotic mass stared working on the basis of the raft without plan.<br/>
Deadpool tried calming him down, “Relax your pants, smart guy. Where is all the fun when you make plans?” He had two long planks ambitiously balanced over his head, swiveling around towards Sheldon who still hadn´t moved a bit from his original spot.<br/>
“I like your attitude red condom man!”, stated Sherlock who elegantly ducked away to avoid Wade´s planks cutting the air right where his head just was.<br/>
Tony witnessed this from the big wooden table with screws he had approached and threw in laughing: “If you plan to behead the smartest man in here, after me of course, you will have to try harder, Wade. But don´t think for a second I won´t knock you out first! God knows the rest is not of any use for this…” As if to underline his words Chandler and Jack started giggling uncontrollably over the bottle of rum and one of Chandler´s infamous jokes. </p><p>Tony started screwing together the planks that Deadpool carried over tirelessly, in unreal speed.<br/>
“I didn´t know you also master the crafts of wood.” Sherlock expressed laid against the table with his long dark coat..<br/>
“I can very well. Actually”, he remembered, “a friend of mine is a tree. His name is Groot.”<br/>
“Some people might consider this a cruel statement. At least my husband John would tell me so.”</p><p>They heard a voice of disapproval, apparently directed towards Chandler and the captain.<br/>
“The consume of alcohol in a work surrounding like this is irresponsible and can lead to accidents!” Sheldon declared holding a rule paper he had printed and brought to the meeting.<br/>
“We will have an accident in no time if that boy doesn´t shut up soon.”, Chandler whispered to Jack.<br/>
“Sheldon, you may not know but in the company of pirates you will, as sure as the sea is salty, never find a cup not filled with rum. Only like that a positive working climate can be achieved. Try a sip!”<br/>
Sheldon turned away with a sigh. “Seems I have to take this task into my own hands.”<br/>
“You haven´t even touched the raft, my dear.” Tony said to himself continuing his work.</p><p>Sherlock who seemed disturbed in his brilliant thoughts by all these weird humans, tried to build a mast. He heard good pirate ships even had several. And he wanted to be a pirate so bad. But that deeply annoying boy, who unfortunately had a very similar name to his, just would not shut up.<br/>
It was harder than he thought joining two long pieces of wood. And one was definitely not enough for a proper mast.</p><p>“This group needs leadership. I don´t blame you, not everyone can be as intelligent as my person,” Sheldon tried to address the working group. An unbearably loud squeaky sound cut the air and muted every conversation. Sheldon had stepped onto a wooden box lying in the building area and started blowing a very cruel sounding whistle that he had just finished disinfecting using his pocket kit. A miracle he didn´t black out from blowing that hard. Before anyone had the chance to act, Deadpool neatly knocked him out. There was a short silence after the dull “thumb” when Sheldon hit the floor. </p><p>“In real life, never punch nerds.” Wade added looking straight at the camera.</p><p>“Thank you, Wank –“<br/>
“Wade.”, he corrected Sherlock who simply does not remember names and went into an exaggerated bow.<br/> 
“His thoughts have been putting me off for quite some time now.”<br/>

“His thoughts have?” Tony muttered in disbelief rubbing his ears. </p><p>“What have you done!” Slightly drunk now Chandler seemed to remember his chores as a group instructor and hurried over.<br/>
“My crew has been decimated!”, Jack declared in disapprove, who came following Chandler in his typical dancey walk.<br/>

“He was clearly not helpful.”, Deadpool defended himself.<br/>

“That doesn´t mean you can knock him out!” Chandler said to him while leaning forward with strongly raised eyebrows and a wiggle in head and shoulders, showing his incredulity.<br/>

Picking up the exact same wiggly movement to imitate his opponent he replied “Mimimimimi!”<br/>
Chandler continued doing the move without having a comeback to this qualified statement. And suddenly the rest of the group, except for Sheldon, witnessed a merge into the grooviest dance in history. Jack started whistling a random, but fitting melody and joined the spontaneous dance session. </p><p>Tony gave Sherlock a look. “Mr. Stark, what the fuck are they d- “<br/>
“You know my name?” Tony cut him off, clearly more surprised over this fact than what just went off next to them, “…I might have underestimated your intelligence, strange detective!”<br/>

“Many people have done that in the past. Did not end well for them.” Sherlock laughed in good  memories of old cases.<br/>
“Sherlock, I wanted to tell you earlier, a friend of mine is a wizard,”<br/>
“A tree, a wizard - You have weird friends Tony…”<br/>
Tony went on without irritation. “and his name is Stephen Stephen Strange and he looks precisely like you.”<br/>
“You don´t say?”</p><p>The rest of the group had just regained their seriousness after the dance and viewed the half-done raft.<br/>
“We are still missing a flag. I won´t command this- “<br/>

Jack was interrupted by Peter Quill suddenly walking in from the back entrance shouting, “Sorry I´m late, I forgot my ghetto blaster in the aircraft.” Fox On The Run started filling the hall.</p><p>“Hey! Now we finally we have a soundtrack to this mess!” Tony cheered and gave the dance-walking Starlord a slapping high five.<br/>
“What did you do to this poor boy?” Peter squatted down next to him to check his pulse which seemed to be fine.<br/>
“Wade? I bet it was you.”<br/>
“Ahhh, got me, Mr. Starlord, Sir. Also, that “boy” is a head taller than you. Just sayin´.”<br/>
Ignoring the potshot he said: “Cheers, let continue the raft, he will wake up eventually.” Quill ended the case by slapping Sheldon ass before he got up.</p><p>´Continue, continue. You just came here space boy and interrupted us. In fact everyone is doing nothing else besides interrupting us. But well.´“Give me a sip of that liquid treasure, yo ho ho.” After the musical entrance of that 70s dude, Sherlock had given up to concentrate on the mast and decided to take a break.<br/>
“Ahoy, Captain Holmes.” Jack took the bottle from Chandler´s hands and handed it to Sherlock, not before taking a big sip himself.</p><p>“I thought we were building a ship here, I am doing 100% of the work here and I wasn´t even invited!” Wade then draped himself on the deck of the raft like Celine Dion and lit a cigarette.<br/>
“YOU are doing all the work?” Tony asked with a tilted head while screwing the last pieces of the wooden base. He chose to ignore the fact that Deadpool hadn´t actually been invited and was here just for the fun of it.<br/>
Chandler´s head had lifted subconsciously as his nose sensed the smoke from Wade´s cigarette.</p><p>“Well, now I stopped because no one is working.” Wade tried to defend himself.<br/>
Jack jumped in. “As your captain I will not accept this pathetic attitude! Raise the flag on a mast, my mates, and let´s set the non-existing sails of this thing! Off we go into the river.” He made a broad gesture with his arms and pointed to the river that was partly visible between trees in the entrance of the hall.<br/>

“That is precisely what I have been working, Captain Jack Sir.” Sheldon had struck an elegant pose with one foot on the raft, the rum in his one and half a mast in his other hand, leaning against the table.<br/>

“Then you may be my second commander, Sherlock. I see you got the thing right. Or at least the rum. Off to work!”</p><p>“Do you want me to do it?” Tony gave Sherlock who was still visibly unsure how to join his two pieces of wood into a mast, a look of pity and laughed. Reluctantly Sherlock let him do the work.<br/> In less than five minutes Tony had them tightly connected and screwed onto the raft. 
Sherlock helped him by yelling “More to left.” and “Too much!” like they were positioning a Christmas tree. In the meantime Wade, Peter and Chandler had, under the supervision of Jack, and help of the recaptured rum, designed a flag.<br/>
Black with a bright yellow sprayed rubber duck. </p><p>“Mates. Raise the flag!”, came the command with highly ridiculous but entertaining 80s music playing in the background.<br/>
In that second Sheldon awoke with a gasp and the scene entered his senses.<br/>
“We are going to die.” Came from his lips before he theatrically collapsed back on the floor.<br/>

“Put him in that box and sit it on the raft.” Chandler responded with a a sigh.<br/>
Sherlock obeyed and continued in the most casual tone, “To drop him in the river in case the crocodiles attack.”</p><p>“No!” Chandler once again wondered what he had gotten himself into. “I was simply instructed to complete this team-building task with everyone, no exceptions. Except Wade, he shouldn´t be here. Technically you could feed him to the crocodiles.”<br/>

“Hey! Just because I wouldn´t die, does not mean it´s okay to constantly kill me. That is… heroist! Like sexist or racist but for heros, get it?”<br/>
“It was a joke, condom guy.” Tony tried to calm him down.</p><p>They picked up the boat with Sheldon and the box and carried it towards the river. Jack walked ahead facing them to direct the way down to the water. A small trail led down to a even space that made it possible to get in.<br/>

“Ay! Looking good, careful with that tree, oops! Yes, yes keep going. Fu-”<br/>
“Jack!” Chandler tried to warn him. Too late. The captain had tumbled over a root at the shore and couldn´t regain his balance until he fell into the river like in slow motion.<br/>
“Don´t drink and sail.” Tony commented.<br/>
Holding up the bottle of rum over the surface, he came back up seconds later, surprisingly still wearing his hat.<br/>

“I obviously just wanted to test the water.” Jack came out of the water soaking wet.<br/>
“Sure Jen.” Chandler said.<br/>
Peter Quill started giggling uncontrollably pointing at Jack like a child whose dad had just done something very funny. As his father was in fact a planet this analogy probably has its boundaries. </p><p>They let the raft into the water and Captain Sherlock, first commander jumped onto it like a professional fairy. Still it made the raft sway more than Jack after three bottles of rum but luckily Sherlock seemed to have a talent for balance. Deadpool came next, helping short Tony cross the rather big gap and sat down on the edge of the Sheldon-box. Peter still hadn´t been able to stop his laughing and slowly started to infect the rest with it. He followed Chandler and the soaking Jack onto the raft and pushed it off the shore in a disadvantegeous way. They started to spin.</p><p>“Great job, Space boy.” Chandler complimented him ironically as they floated onto the river like a merry-go-round.<br/>
“Mr. Bing,” Wade responded with a broad smile and the rum in his hand, “why so serious? This is the best day I´ve had in a long time, cheers!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There will be a Part 2 - please feel free to comment any ships you want in the story and will see if I like your ideas ;)<br/>This is my first fanfic ever and I would be happy if you enjoyed it at least a tiny itsy bitsy</p></blockquote></div></div>
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